These 8 Fictional Characters Should Be Considered As Trump's Running Mate
Things are getting down to the wire, politically speaking, and The Donald is going to have to choose a running mate ASAP. Who better than one of these fictional characters to share the fictional world he's living in?
So: Donald Trump is actually running for president.
For a while, everyone thought it was a big joke. How could this blowhard, entitled, clueless and racist reality television star actually stand a chance in one of the most important elections in recent times? Apparently, the less informed section of the American populace sees his blatant racism and desire for personal glory as some sort of refreshing and long-time-coming "anti-PC" rhetoric. They also see Trump's business acumen (though his companies have filed for bankruptcy four times) as the potential saving grace of the US economy. And before you start with the shit: yes, people have tried justifying Trump's bankruptcies as "smart business moves," but the fact is he funded, publicized and had faith in companies that ultimately failed at least once.
Whether you're a Trump hater through-and-through or a die-hard justifier of Trump's xenophobia and desires for isolationism, the fact is he's on top of the polls and currently holds the most delegates in the Republican party (as of March 8, 2016). That means there's a very real chance Trump could secure the Republican nomination for president. Hell, he could even be our next president, regardless of what your opinion of the man is. That mean's Trump's got some serious thinking to do. Who will he choose as his running mate? Who will best counterbalance Trump's personality and politics and help him on his way to glory and victory as the next president dictator of our great nation? Here are a few of my ideas for Mr. Trump - you know, to help take a little of the weight off the Golden God's fragile shoulders.
Before we begin, here's a little information about me, so you know where I'm coming from in contributing to this crucial, serious and very important decision.
As you may have noticed at the top of this article, my name is Lee Emjay (actually that's just a pseudonym I use to keep stalkers like you from sending me violating messages on social media) and I've been writing for Dose since the fall of 2015. I'm a mid-20s straight white male with all the privilege in the world (though perhaps not quite as much as Trump, who got a "small" loan of $1 million from his father to start his first business). I'm very ill-informed and admittedly disillusioned when it comes to all politics aside from Donald Trump's sketchy history.
Like most mid-20s white males, I care about my friends, my family, our futures, my job, music, art, self-expression and autonomy. Most importantly, though, I care about people other than myself, which very likely makes me stand apart from Trump supporters, even though I resemble them on a surface level (white dude, duh). I'm college and graduate school educated, having received degrees in creative writing at both levels - something that doesn't lend itself to the accumulation of wealth, and which I'm sure will incur the hatred of Trump supporters the nation over - but I thankfully never had to pay for school. My parents paid for my first two years of college, and the government picked up the tab for the second half, due to a military service-related illness my father experienced. I earned scholarships to graduate school. In the way of free rides, I suppose Trump and I are more similar than I'd care to think. I must insist my artistic cause is more noble than Trump's glory-hungry and personal wealth-oriented cause, though I suppose both are self-serving in their own ways.
My life experience and educational history may never lead me to be a great political pundit, but my experience in creative writing and obsessive cartoon watching sure as hell justify the nonsensical, silly and (probably) offensive choices for Trump's running mates you're about to lay eyes on. I may not always know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, but I can talk like a true entertainer. Actually, come to think of it, maybe Trump and I are two peas in a pod after all.
And with that, I present to you: 8 Fictional Characters I Believe Would Be Ideal Running Mates For Trump
1. Jabba the Hutt
The Tatooine crime lord would likely find that he and Trump have an awful lot in common when it comes to business sense. After all, Trump has allegedly been tied to crime families in both New York and Philadelphia. They both also share extremely creepy attitudes towards women. Remember the scene in "Return of the Jedi" where Jabba has Leia on a chain? If that's not a metaphor for every one of Trump's romantic relationships, I don't know what is.
Pros: Would totally be BFFs with Trump.
Cons: Are they too similar? Is it enough of a political spread for the American public? Plus, seeing as how Jabba is from a galaxy far, far away, he's not actually eligible to become president should Trump get assassinated or accidentally fall into the sarlacc's mouth in the Great Pit of Carkoon.
2. Pee-wee Herman
Trump and Pee-wee have their similarities, sure - but Pee-wee's innocent, child-friendly wackiness helps to compensate for Trump's pure Satan-spawned wickedness. Interestingly, Pee-wee Herman is the outlandish yet affable character creation of an actor (Paul Reubens) who's seen as many to be a creep in real life. Some people think Trump may actually be one of history's greatest performance artists; if that's the case, maybe he and Pee-wee are like some kind of funhouse converse of each other.
Pros: Super entertaining to watch on TV
Cons: Can't even keep track of his bicycle, probably can't be trusted with looking after the welfare of the entire nation
3. Statler and Waldorf from "The Muppet Show"
It would be quite an unusual move if Trump chose a muppet as his running mate, let alone two muppets. But I wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility. Like Trump, both of them have dumb rich people's names that sound totally made up. They'll likely do a great job realizing Trump's plan to convert poor people into food for the middle class (which is currently in its infancy).
Pros: Will most likely heckle the shit out of Trump at every possible turn, hilarity will doubtlessly ensue
Cons: Constantly have men's hands up their asses. Is that really who we want to be our Vice Presidents?
4. A "RealDoll" sex doll
Yes, I know a RealDoll isn't technically a fictional character, but think abstractly for a moment: the personality you create for a sex doll is, in fact, a fictional character. This particular RealSex doll happens to be a poor, black, female, communist, Mexican, lesbian, intellectual, Muslim feminist.
Pros: She's the black to Trump's white
Cons: Will probably be murdered and/or destroyed by Trump before the next election cycle, because she represents everything he hates. Literally, everything
5. Eric Cartman
Eric Cartman is the spitting image of Donald Trump in every possible way. He's a serial manipulator, hot-tempered, a pathological liar, a bully, a blowhard who knows how to get his way and a first-class character assassin. If Trump had a son (forget about that Trump chump Donald Jr.), it would most certainly be Eric Cartman. That means Trump can craft Cartman in his own image to take over the new US Monarchy (forthcoming, November 2016) long after Trump's gone.
Pros: Would provide a perfect replacement to Trump if/when he should perish, has experience pretending to be Hitler
Cons: Is an overweight child, which means he'll incur the merciless wrath of Trump on a regular basis
6. Spock from the Star Trek series
Unexpected choice? Perhaps. But Spock's remarkable penchant for logic would work perfectly to undo all the damage done by Trump's seeming inability to use any logic whatsoever. As a press release for Trump's campaign stated, "Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." If Spock had seen this, he surely would've called Trump "a fucking bigoted, xenophobic idiot of the highest magnitude," smacked him across the face with his hand still in the Vulcan salute position and zipped off back to space.
Pros: Strong jaw line looks impeccable on TV
Cons: Is literally too logic-oriented to support Trump, probably
7. Bugs Bunny
Bugs Bunny is a character of unsurpassed charm. He can bamboozle just about anyone into just about anything, and that makes Trump and him two peas in a pod. Bugs Bunny could also help Trump secure the wabbit vote. Bugs also has more witty rhetoric up his sleeve than Trump could ever hope to have, so he could prove to be quite an asset in speech writing and delivery. Wait, do vice presidents even do that?
Pros: Has barber experience, could probably fix the rat's nest on Trump's head
Cons: Considering the fact most of Trump's fanbase looks and acts just like Elmer Fudd, they might feel a little funny siding with the wabbit
8. The alternate universe version of Donald Trump, Tonald Drump
He's the perfect antithesis to Trump: he's the anti-Trump. Everyone knows that the opposite, alternate universe version of any character is just that same character, but with facial hair. It's a basic law of science fiction. Tonald Drump loves Mexicans, respects women, doesn't make incestuous comments about his daughter and is perfectly comfortable with allowing all citizens of the world basic human rights. Drump might just be the frontrunner for Vice President when the time comes.
Pros: He's everything Trump isn't, but is still white, male and rich
Cons: Virtually indistinguishable from Donald in terms of appearance, except for the finely curled mustache
Who did I miss?
Can you think of any other fictional characters who would be ideal running mates for Trump? I know, I know - he's a versatile, diverse man, and works well with just about anybody! The possibilities are endless and there's just too many to name.