A Plus-Size Chick Went To A Fancy-Ass Fashion Show And No One Got Hurt
In which I try to pass off a $20 Torrid dress as haute couture, and succeed.
This past week, I mirrored the rigorously disciplined lifestyle of Vogue's editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour. I embraced flowery outfits, 5am workouts and a plethora of other practices drawn from the playbook of the woman who runs Vogue with an iron fist and impeccable taste.
What I learned was that all of those crazy routines are extremely beneficial in increasing focus, productivity, confidence and style.
The final phase of the imitation was to attend a fashion show, at which I would act like Anna and convince the fashion people that I was one of them. It would be a true test of my knowledge of Vogue and Anna.
I awoke at 4:30 to begin prep for some Wintour-at-the-Yeezy-Fashion-Show realness. I did ALL of the skin care. ALL OF IT.
The Anna look felt comfortable to me now. I put it together with a dress from Torrid, sunglasses from H&M, and a necklace/earring combo from J.C. Penney.
Maybe she's born with it? I wore all Maybelline makeup because it's all I can afford it's simply the best!
I would be attending the Neiman Marcus Fashion Show to Benefit the MMRF (Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation), held at the Michigan Avenue Neiman Marcus in Chicago. Like Anna, I showed up early. Like myself, I immediately got lost.
Being over an hour early, I started wandering around the floors filled with clothes for the 1%. Though I was swept up in all the fanciness, I got angry because the outfits seemed to only go up to a size 6.
Like Anna, I held in the rage monsoon that was brewing deep down inside. But all of the clothes were too small to fit anyone over a size 6 (which includes a lot of "skinny" people!), and also were too long for anyone shorter than 5'8".
The lack of options was an unfortunate reminder that I'm much larger and less aesthetically gifted than the models, and I felt like they would discover that I wasn't really one of them.
I almost ran out of the store, but ANNA WOULDN'T DO THAT. And neither would I.
Staying in character, I aloofly traipsed through the racks of different brands, and quickly realized I only knew designers based on their association to celebrities.
I saw the Alexander McQueen line and associated it with Kate Middleton. I saw Givenchy and thought of Beyoncé. Diane von Furstenburg brought back memories of "Gossip Girl." I saw a jacket that I was SURE had been on "RuPaul's Drag Race."
Articles of clothing (shirts, skirts, pants) averaged around $500 each across the store, and there were dresses that were even more expensive. I started playing a mental game of "What could that rack pay for?"
I decided that the store as a whole could pay off the U.S.'s debt to China, OR the U.S. student loan debt. Or we could fund Beyoncé's eventual presidential campaign. You know, the little things.
Naturally, I got bored with looking at clothes after 20 minutes. Luckily, there were FREEBIES!
The mascara in question normally cost $26, but today I'd be getting it FOR FREE. THAT'S A WIN FOR ME.
As it got closer to the show, I started mingling with the fashionistas. Mainly because there was free food and mimosas.
I saw a lady with a poodle and I mozied on over and asked what the dog's name was (DOGS! Helping people befriend each other since the beginning of time!). That led to a conversation about Dolce and Gabbana, which she was not too impressed by this season. She asked, "Those glasses are Dolce, certainly?" I was surprised by my response: "Only because Prada was so underwhelming this year." She laughed and nodded her approval. I was in.
I found myself talking to all sorts people I wouldn't approach on a normal Saturday morning.
I'm not shy, but fashion designers and models and the like are really intimidating when you're a Bland Betty from the suburbs. But when you're Anna Wintour, these people aren't a huge deal. I talked to some guy who was very surprised that I didn't own any Givenchy because apparently that's an essential brand to own. I told him I was more of a De La Renta girl, and that was deemed an acceptable answer that led to a conversation about florals.
I felt surprisingly confident. My true identity hadn't yet been uncovered. I was still Anna.
People were asking my opinion on things. Things like peplum gowns and what Alexander Wang's next move was going to be. Things I pretended to be an expert on.
Finally: show time! The show featured clothes by CUSP (Neiman Marcus' brand) and ATM (by Anthony Thomas Melillo). The theme was "summer casual" so I felt like a TOTAL SCRUB for wearing a goddamn dress and heels.
This was a misstep. Anna Wintour would have read the memo on the event ticket that said "summer casual." But hey, if my only blunder was looking fabulous, that's pretty good. Also, I am like 700000% sure this model has never had Chipotle before and that made me wonder what I would look like if I wasn't addicted to the high of carnitas and guac.
The fashion lines were interesting, but the host would say things like, "Capris are in! Sweatpants are SO in right now!" and I'm over here like, I could have told you that before this Anna Wintour experiment!
Also, if you are paying thousands of dollars to have sweatpants made of silk, you need to REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE. There are $3 pairs of sweatpants from Costco that'll do JUST FINE.
After the show, one of the models walked up to me and said, "You're so pretty and I love your dress and I noticed it while I was in the show. Where did you get it?" I was totally flabbergasted and had a moment of indecision: Do I reveal that I am a fraud and that this gown cost $20 at Torrid, or do I keep up the charade?
Also, Kristine Steiner was there making fashion illustrations of attendees, and she drew me! Her other work is pretty amazing too!
I spilled the beans, telling her, "I got this at Torrid, which is like, a store for plus-size girls. And it was on sale. For $20." I half-expected judgment and banishment from Neiman Marcus FOREVER, but she nodded approvingly and said "Like, all of my stuff is from the clearance bin at Forever 21. That's an amazing steal, though."
At the end of the day, I left the fashion show unchanged, with only one person aware of my lack of Wintour-ness. And for $27 I got:
-a back massage
-a $26 mascara
-a professional makeover
-gourmet snacks
-to meet models and a fashion designer
-a super-cool fashion illustration
-to convince a bunch of rich people that I was one of them without any Disney Channel Original Series hijinks
It was totally worth it.